Angry, bitter, broken. Solid on the outside but utterly broken on the inside. That was me. Maybe it’s still me .A little. Not as much.
I was annoyed at so many things but especially my dad. I found it hard to understand why he left us for them. I felt heartbroken. I guess that’s the only heartbreak I have faced so far. I admit it was not easy. It shattered me .Pieces I never thought would be brought together again. It brought forth a side of me I never knew existed. The darker side of me. No, the darkest side. My weaknesses were out there for all to see.
I doubt if there was ever a time I shed as much tears as that time. I wept. Even in my sleep. I had suicidal thoughts. Well that was the extreme end. It pushed me to limits. It pressed buttons I didn’t even know existed. I was frustrated. Utterly broken.
They will never understand how hard it was to listen to the two of them throw insults at each other. They will never understand how hard it was to see her cry every morning. They will never understand how hard it was to live in that house. How painful it was to see them possess what was mine. How hurting it was to leave him to them every time we boarded the bus back home. There was no single time that I failed to cry. I never got used to it. Still haven’t. It still aches every time they call him daddy. It still aches every time they run to him and hug him. At times I want to stop them from soiling my dad. Then it clicks. He’s not my dad .He’s ours. More of theirs.
Accepting and moving on is never an easy thing. We got indescribable moments in life. Moments that others may not understand why we are taking them to heart. Others will feel we are exaggerating. And some may feel it’s nothing big and that we have no reason to be angry. Some may feel we are fighting a battle that’s not ours. I guess we are entitled to our opinions. If it hurts then mourn it.Cry.Weep.Wail. If it relieves you of the pain. Mourn and groan over whatever it is that gives you sleepless nights. Weep over that lost job. Wail over that broken marriage. Sob over that father you miss so dearly. Howl for that mother who abandoned you for no apparent reason. Whatever pains your heart, whether they understand you or not, you’re free to release the pain. Do not let them shut you down. Shed those tears. Let them flow if it’s the price you have to pay for your healing. Talk about it, let them know it hurts.It hurts so deeply. There’ll always be that one person who never gets weary of listening. He’s always there for you. Tell it all to Him. And once you’re done crying, stand up, wipe away your tears, dust up yourself. Arise. Shine. Behold, your light is here.
By Cheryl Okumu